While I was in Los Angeles, I found a song called Homeward, composed by Marcus Warner. I was in love with Homeward at first sight. Even before listening to it, the name Homeward itself and the picture of the album are breathtaking enough. It is known that you can concatenate ‘back’ or ‘fore’ with ‘ward’ to show a direction. That said, ‘homeward’ can be interpreted as ‘direction home.’ Almost instantly that reminds me of my home.
But the question is, where is it?
I cannot deny that my home is in China, at least that is what I say whenever the front desk in Hedrick Hall wants to verify my home address. (Apparently, I forgot my Burin Card inside my dorm more than once. ) For what’s worth, I might have to bear with this identity for another decade or two to get on board or just get drunk. Cannot throw it away. But when thinking carefully, that isn’t my identity.
No matter how I claim that I love our party, I can’t hide the fact that I was so disappointed that I don’t care anymore. Like your ex. You can tell tones of her bad habits but you won’t because deep down inside you don’t care. This peace holds until someone tells you she’s awesome and then you would try to save him. That’s what happened when we bumped into a Lyft driver.
“You are Chinese!”, the driver recognized us.
“Yeah?”, to be honest, I was a little bit awkward to be recognized as Chinese, even though I was studying in University of Chinese and Lots of Asians(UCLA), I prefer the identity Asian or no identity at all. After all, this is the land of diversity.
“You know, you have an amazing government.”
I was instantly amused. I’ve seen such stupid words in forms in China thousands of times. They would brag about our government with their arrogance and ignorant having no reason, no proof. Usually, I would think people who say this are brainwashed by Communists and ignore whatever they have to say about our government. It was the first time to hear it from an old white man, and I thought there is no way he gets brainwashed too.
So I asked, “Why do you think so.”
“Man, your government feeds 1.7 billion people, that’s no kidding job.”
“1.4 to be exact, but you are right, that’s quite an effort.” I agreed.
“ But you have to know the price it takes to get feed. We lost freedom, and we have to stand in line to listen to whatever our government has to say. And to fight for freedom many even lost their lives almost 30 years ago. “ I added, had to make sure he is not misunderstanding anything.
“ Yeah, I know the democracy stuff, but no such a system works for all. Whatever fits the most is the best. “
He backed off(I suppose you can’t argue democracy with white), but my interest didn’t. So I kept asking why he thought we have a “great” government. Then he continued to talk about our super projects like high-speed railway, the Belt and Road, our investment in Aferica.
“ These are just projects we did to show off. China kept burning money on these with the sole purpose to get into your head. Local governments almost went bankrupted with these projects and have a debt that you cannot imagine. Guess who pays the debt at the end of the day? And where on earth did you learned that? “, I concluded, with fear that he might also get brainwashed.
Sadly, his knowledge of China all came from a program he watched. A program that “happen” to be made by our party. So my fear was real. Instantly I almost felt responsible for changing his mind about China.
“Did you know that our president just becomes emperor?” I never shared this with anyone that is not Chinese. Because this is too shameful. The fact that our vote is barely useful is embarrassing enough. Telling people that our Congress passed the amendment that the president has no term limit with almost no one voting against it is no different telling people that my daughter just get raped under my watch. (Well, in my defense for such rude wording, my “Mom China” did get raped by some monkey junky.)
“Emperor?! Don’t you have a congress or parliament?”
“ Yeah, our Congress passed the amendment to our constitution allowing the president to stay there forever. Seriously, our congress is just a birthday party that agrees with whatever the president says. “
“ Well, that’s progress. Everything has progress. “ Can’t save him. That’s what I told myself.
That moment, I know, as long as our Xi the Great is there, there is no coming back for me. It’s not strange that I had a hard time appreciating Chinese politics and culture. When other kids were reading Romance of the Three Kingdoms, my first long novel was Doomsday Book by Connie Willis. It is a good science fiction which won both Nebula Award and Hugo Award, yet until 2016 only 23 novels can win both. That’s how I know Larry Niven when reading through that 23 novels. Larry’s work Ringworld was so fascinating that it pulled me away from Water Margin, and honestly, I never finish Water Margin. I felt suck when I was told Song, at last, surrendered to the government and got killed.
We do learn Chinese, History, and Politics in Middle school. But I was reading The Summer of 1787: The Men Who Invented the Constitution by then. I have to say that the history and politics education in China is such a failure that it can barely bring anyone’s interest. After all, the story of how the world’s great nations Constitution was made is way more funny than the importance of the foundation of our party. The educators may have forgotten that human beings memorize stories better than bullet points. Or they just want to brainwash everyone to follow our party’s lead. Whichever reason it may be, I am lucky that I have passed that painful time(and got a low score on Politics & History).
If I am such a failure that I cannot blend in my country, where do I belong? The question I proposed at the very beginning didn’t get solved. Even if our government is not satisfying, I can still pick a city and stay there. So which city I would prefer?
The first answer I canceled out is Shanghai. The city has many flavors. For many people, that’s a huge up. But for me, Shanghai tastes spicy, and it’s a down. It was last summer. My friends just came back from their 5-week trip to UCB. We joked, you got to pick the dinner, as we are not sure which one you miss the most.
Hotpot, of course. Spicy kind.
To be honest, I am a little bit against hotpot. Because you cannot put everything into a pot and call it a meal. I believe every kind of food deserves a unique cuisine that fits them, not put together and mixed. Another thing I must go against is spicy. I will firmly stand against it for a long time, like forever. It’s so strong that it covers any other flavors, leaving nothing but spicy itself, like a fire. It makes me feel pointless about anything that is spicy. After all, what’s the point of tasting them if they just feel like anything else.
Anyway, they picked hotpot. We had a great time, and I had a lot of spicy beef. That was a memorable night for me.
For my stomach, that’s a whole different story. Got so unconformable that I barely ate anything the next day. From then on, I decided never to have spicy hotpot anymore. Many spicy foods also went up the blacklist. I would refuse my friends’ invitation no matter what.
It’s hard to avoid spicy things in Shanghai. Even in ShanghaiTech’s canteen when I order chicken, I got spicy ones because the cook did that by default. (Later I learned that the cook came from Sichuan, oh for god’s sake, we really should ban cooks that heavily rely on the spicy sauce from entering the kitchen.) Hotpot is everywhere that you can barely avoid. Both eating in ShanghaiTech or out is hard. So hard that I can actually lose weight in Shanghai. Na, I don’t think I can ever make a home here.
If Shanghai doesn’t work because I cannot eat what I used to, how about my birthplace, Taizhou? Actually, my train is heading Taizhou as I write. I like the place, every time I got to introduce her I would do it with pride. Maybe that’s what belonging feels.
But I couldn’t stay. After all, it’s just a small town in the middle of Jiangsu that no one really cares. No job opportunities.
The hard truth is, we are the 38th out of 200+ cities in China in 2017 regarding economic development. But we have no high-speed train and we share an airport with Yangzhou. Oh, by the way, we have no metro even though we have been qualified for a long time. Why? I don’t know. Maybe Taizhou would be a good home for me when I retire. But get packed in this 13-hour long train trip from Beijing I am afraid there is no way home for now.
The first Si-Fi TV program I watched was Fringe. In this series J.J.(Yes, this series was written by J.J. Abrams, the J.J Abrams who also wrote Counterpart) assumes that there is a parallel universe that is almost the same. (We use the other xx and our xx to distinguish people and things between two worlds.) And they are in a war. In the final episode of Season 3, the two universes finally made peace, and they were shutting down the portal to each other. Our Lincoln was in love with the other Olivia so decided to stay on the other side and never came back. Before the portal was shut down, Lincoln was standing on the other side of the entrance and staring at Olivia, and our Olivia asked:
“You sure you are not coming home?”
“Home is where the heart is.”, Lincoln replied, short but powerful.
That is the most beautiful words you can ever say to a girl. So I started to examine where my heart is. If I cannot find a city to place it, will someone qualified enough to do the job?
Sadly, My heart was broken by a girl in my first winter in Shanghai. It was a Wednesday in November, that day was chilly. That night we were still messaging each other.
“Got my running test today, I broke my knees.” (That’s why I was always in kneecap whenever I do sports.)
“Well, mine will be in next Monday.”
“Cool, need some support? :)”
“Na… Actually, I went to watch a movie today.”
“Without me? What was it? The Martian?” I was both astonished and nervous because I planned to do that with her that weekend. ( Too bad never had the chance. I couldn’t bare watching it for a long time because it reminds me of the breakup, and I didn’t watch it until the next year. Man, my all-time-hero Matt was so cool. )
“No, there is no way I like that kind of movie, and it’s not the kind you would be interested in.”
You can imagine how awkward it is to have a conversation like this. That’s when I started to sense something wrong. She was disappointed, and I was not aware of it until it was too late. Our messages are becoming information exchange instead of sweet words that lovers would do. So the relationship ended in the next few minutes.
That day was cold and painful, but I cannot distinguish if it was because of my knee or her. I have to admit that I was an asshole and I did her wrong, and I apologized and still am apologizing for that. Yet I was young and naive and still got hurt. So I spent the next year or two fixing my life. While doing that I may have broken someone else’s hearts too.
Once upon a time, almost simultaneously, I liked a girl, and someone else had a crush on me. And out of all odds, both of them are students in ShanghaiTech. I was too afraid to choose, too scared to lose. What if I am still that asshole? Sure it didn’t end well. And for what I know, my reputation was ruined. So it’s official that I am an asshole now. :) (At least no more worries about that anymore)
Maybe that’s part of everyone’s life. Like I once said, you cannot get what you want and only possess what you don’t care, and most relationships turn into a set of compromise. This was inspired by the reacher-settler theory in How I Met Your Mother. There is always a reacher and a settler in any relationship, isn’t it?
Time flies into late 2017, and I am finally ready to start over again. I met her in the lift. It is always embarrassing for two acquaintance got left alone in the lift. You have no idea what topic to talk. But she started first.
“I heard you got yourself a scholarship.” She said it like I just got a decent meal instead of a scholarship.
“Yeah, it’s just I got someone to pay for my bill, I got better scholarship last year. I was sloppy.”
“I believe you would get better, and for what’s worth, it’s always better than nothing.” She said, “I got nothing this year.” But she was smiling.
I was astonished. I thought she got good grades last year.
“You will next year.” I encouraged her, and that’s where she left off.
I was in thoughts that night. What I have encountered those days was people bumping into me and congratulating me for earning that money when deep inside I was not happy at all. She skipped the annoying part and directly get to the point. Instead of fake congrats, she said it would be better. I mean, you don’t run into people that dare to tell the truth nowadays anymore. I was so moved that late that night I shared my thoughts and thanked her.
Days later I was still thinking about this. That’s when I knew I had a crush on her. Then I started to get to know her. She hates spicy food just like me. Likes dog and Japanese food. She’s optimistic to life and kind to people. Everything I could dream of.
Finally, I dated her out. Well, not a date for her. I planned for days, but everything began to fall apart from the first second. She didn’t see my rose coming, and she thought it was just a casual dinner as a friend. ( Come on. Who would ask a girl out on Saturday night as a friend? ) I am not sure how can I describe the night, nor what she would feel about it. But I walked her home anyway even though I got friended. At first, I wanted it to be a night that we both can remember. Now all I want is to forget.
At least I admire her for being honest. She told me she was onto someone else, but because of his temper, they couldn’t get together. She also told me all the details that I don’t really want to know as I was busy pitying myself.
She’s a reacher, me too. She doesn’t want to settle, me too.
I think my conclusion that I just told my best friend is a good one. Like a piece of code, I am buggy. But like a parallel program, every line of code looks just fine. Yet they would not function properly. I don’t know where the bug is, nor do I have the leisure to look for it. Even if I find it, I am not sure if I can fix it. You need an experienced programmer to fix a piece of rocky code. But experienced programmers don’t debug rocky code, people like Linus would merely bite your head off. (I heard Linus stoppd use f-word, good for him.)
Not knowing where to stay, who to stay with. Even though my destination today is Taizhou, but I am literately heading nowhere. My goal now is to apply for a grad school and try to immigrate like I planned since I lost faith years ago.
Now that most application system is open let’s hope I find a home there.
And good luck for everyone that is applying with me.